five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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