my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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