i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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