look no pants
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
