So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
