he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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