y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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