I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
