Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
