wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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