Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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