Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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