everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
