Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
