so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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