Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
