My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
