I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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