So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
