apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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