I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
