I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
