The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
