mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
