I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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