Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize