yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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