My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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