i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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