I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
