Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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