Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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