i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
