I didn't shave. On purpose
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
