oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
