Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
