Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
