Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
