I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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