Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
