I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
