I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
