Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Non-Jews are for practice
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
