Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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