Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
