my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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