I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize