oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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