i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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