you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
