i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
