OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
