Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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