cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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