Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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