Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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