i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I haven't been this sober since birth.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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