ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
someone owes me an orgasm
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
