i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
