Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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