Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
