I want to have your abortion
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
