Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
