I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
